HumidCity

Reposted from that bathroom wall of cyberspace, Myspace…

MANDATORY EVACUATION

• 1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
• 1/2 oz. VermouthClamato
• Prune juice

Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink.

Ask next-door neighbor whose fichus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even though you’d warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his bathroom.

Repeat.
CATEGORY 5

• 1/2 oz. vodka
• 1/2 oz. tequila
• 1/2 oz. rum
• 1/2 oz. bourbon
• 1/2 oz. gin
• Sweet-and-sour mix
• Splash of fruit juice

Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.

CONE OF PROBABILITY

• 1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
• 1 sugar cone

Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV weatherman say, “cone of probability,” bite off the end of the cone and down the shot. If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively. (they should change this to the “Cantore Zone”… damn him.) Have you ever noticed that, despite all the cone of probability talk, if Cantore is parked in front of your house, your ass is toast?

FEEDER BAND

• 2 oz. Midori
• 2 oz. rum
• 1 scoop vanilla ice cream

After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer. Stir, and drink through a straw.

BEACH EROSION

• 1 1/2 oz. Goldschläger
• 1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
• 1 pack Sugar in the Raw

Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to New Jersey where it belongs.

DOWNED POWER LINE

• 1 1/2 oz. rum
• 5 oz. Jolt Cola

Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure out how the heck you’re supposed to go two freakin’ weeks without television and AC.

FLOOD ZONE

• 2 oz. Kahlúa
• 2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
• 4 oz. rum

Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills all over the countertop.

COLD SHOWER

• 2 oz. Blue Aftershock
• 4 oz. Sprite

Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue. Repeat.

LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT

• 1 oz. Jack Daniel’s
• Splash of sarsaparilla
• Rock salt

Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel’s and can of sarsaparilla. Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsaparilla. Watch for looters.
When you spot one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.

THE CHAIN SAW

• 1 oz. Goldschläger
• 1 oz. Rumplemintz
• 3 oz. Jim Beam
• Splash of vermouth

Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can. Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.

FOUR-WAY STOP

• 1 1/2 oz. vodka
• 1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
• 1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
• 1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine

Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to yourself and three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and beat the living crap out of him.

BLUE TARP

• 1 1/2 oz. Curacao
• 2 oz. pineapple juice
• Splash of lime

Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to eight months for someone to repair the cup.
If you’re impatient, hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an exorbitant sum and pray he doesn’t hurt himself in the process.

FEMA FIZZLE

• 1 oz. Southern Comfort
• 2 oz. sloe gin
• Tonic water

One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin in a cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of Angostura bitters. Serve with a nut brownie. Before drinking, raise the glass and say the toast, “Doing a heckuva job Brownie!”

Just because we may escape Gustav, doesn’t mean Hannah’s not coming to kick our ass.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho!

Lord David
Pirate, Artist & Hurricane Rider
Skull Club
New Orleans

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 28th, 2008 at 1:54 pm by Lord David and is filed under Food and Drinks, Lord David, Not Yet Sorted. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.