HumidCity

Please pardon the blatant pimpiness of this post. I appreciate you reading this.

The release date for my New Orleans jazz novel, The Sound of Building Coffins, has been moved up to February 1^st. This is the second such move – surprising to me because I’ve always heard that your publisher moves your release date back, not up. So it’s exciting and terrifying all at once. It’s seems the publisher is excited about it, too – which is a very good thing.

Also, the book is now available for pre-order at all the major online booksellers. It’s a little cheaper if you pre-order it, and it helps to get the ball rolling, so I hope you will. (Icksnay: lowest price currently at Amazon.com)

For those of you who haven’t heard about the novel, or who would like to know more, there’s a full-blown spiel below, which includes blurbs, links to excerpts, reviews, etc.

Also, at the bottom of the “commercial,” you’ll find a little video treat to reward you for tolerating the pimpy nature of today’s post.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Gold Mine is one of those French Quarter joints where the tourists dare not tread.

It’s not so much a hole-in-the-wall as it is a smoke-filled brick cave where mysterious moisture drips randomly upon the heads of patrons and brilliantly disturbing works by obscure artists stare down from mortar-crumbling walls positioned above bluntly printed placards bearing the artist’s last name in bold print and no other information whatsoever. It’s a joint where barrels stand in place of tables, where charming degenerates merrily hit on your wife right in front of you, where the men’s room features an old-fashioned urine trough that affords anyone with a penis the opportunity to mingle his piss with that of the dangling stranger beside him in real time – a weirdly intimate thing for people to be doing in the anonymity-driven electronic 21st century if you ask me. It is a rough and tumble joint, but also a haven for poets and artists; a relative rarity in this town. Musicians have havens aplenty around here, and I’m glad of that; they have their own free medical clinic, a “musician’s village,” and more city, state and corporate-sponsored charitable causes named for them than you can shake a stick at. Meanwhile, if you’re a writer or an artist you’re mostly on your own, expected to stop fucking around with your silly hobby and get a real job – or else you can get your drunk on at the Gold Mine on a random Thursday night and meet up with a tidy mob of compatriot sorry-ass artsy motherfuckers who gather with sooty smiles and know the score.

Right in the door, our friend and good neighbor GiO the Burlesque Queen of New Orleans introduces us to the proprietor, the Poet Dave Brinks. Dave’s passion is clearly to seek out and shine a light on the ever-elusive art of the every-man – I liked him right away. Regulars ranged from the shy to the surly; an interesting cross-section of two-legged animals from all walks of the city that shared exactly one thing – the desire and need to tell their stories through the art of the written word.

The evening’s theme was to pay tribute to a fellow poet who’d recently died; a man I’d never met named Paul Chasse. Today was his birthday. From what I gathered, Paul was a biker, a jailbird, a Haunted History Tour guide, a dyed-in-the-wool Quarter rat, a gleeful troublemaker, a friend, a husband, a resistor of all things mundane, a decent man with a good heart – but mostly he was a poet. Read the rest of this entry »

Headline at The Onion: “Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are.”

See the very funny video here.

Louis

http://louismaistros.com

*

http://louismaistros.com

Dear America,

You know I love you, but do not fuck this up.

OK?

Thanks a bunch!

Hopefully yours,

Louie Hussein Six-Pack the Plumber

*
http://louismaistros.com

According to the Huffington Post:

For the past two months, a major American magazine and an allied news service have been engaged in a legal battle with the United States Navy over records that they believe show that John McCain once was involved in an automobile accident that injured or, perhaps, killed another individual.

Vanity Fair magazine and the National Security News Service claim to have knowledge “developed from first-hand sources” of a car crash that involved then-Lt. McCain at the main gate of a Virginia naval base in 1964, according to legal filings. The incident has been largely, if not entirely, kept from the public. And in documents suing the Navy to release pertinent information, lawyers for the NS News Service allege that a cover-up may be at play.

“Plaintiffs have also obtained documents showing that law enforcement officers were ordered back to the accident scene to retrieve personal physical effects. The Navy has never publicly acknowledged this information,” one document reads. “This request involves federal government activity, as it addresses what may be an attempt by the Navy to protect by concealment the involvement of a former Navy officer, sitting Senator and Presidential candidate in a serious incident involving the injury or death of another human being.”

Read the whole thing here.

This is all pretty plausible because, remember, McCain’s dad was a bigshot admiral and McCain himself was kind of a screwup frat boy. So, you know. It’s like that.

I’m starting to feel kinda sorry for poor John McCain. His campaign is unraveling like a Greek tragedy dipped in cheap acid. Everyone he’s ever loved has turned against him, including that Alaskan floozy to whom he handed the moon wrapped in pretty paper. Now she’s left him at the alter in favor of her own crazy-ass notion of a 2012 presidential bid. Meanwhile, Joe the Plumber is running his mouth as if he believes his own lies, like he really is some kind of amazing plumbing genius who can pull more than 250K a year out of his backdoor dime slot. Joe Six Pack has gone AWOL. Even McCain’s very favorite Joe, namely Lieberman, is pulling an et tu by going on record about Obama not being so bad after all. The RNC is considering pulling funding from his campaign in favor of less hopeless congressional elections. All he’s got left are the same raving batshit crazy assholes that crapped all over him and his whole family when he ran against Bush back in the 2000 primary. These are his people now. That’s it. They are the basket where his eggs currently reside.

I’ll have to express my sympathy in greater detail AFTER the election, though. Now’s not the time to go weak in the knees. I’ll be more comfortable feeling sorry for him on Nov. 5; win, lose or draw.

The suspense is killing me. Yeah, baby. As in: ouch.

*

http://louismaistros.com

Unfortunately, this makes perfect sense. 

This is not from Olberman, or Maddow, or any of the left wing pundits. It’s from the Associated Press.

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5iFK9c9KTpdbjhYyuWIlZyAuyqeJgD93VA3B80

It is pretty important stuff. Please cross post.

*

http://louismaistros.com

It ends differently this time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07kO9TtHYzQ

Don’t bother thanking me, you are more than welcome.

*

http://louismaistros.com

Christopher Buckley, son of conservative mega-icon and founder of The National Review, William F. Buckley, has resigned from the National Review in apparent disgust.

On his way out the door, Buckley stated, among other things:

“While I regret this development, I am not in mourning, for I no longer have any clear idea what, exactly, the modern conservative movement stands for.”

“Eight years of ‘conservative’ government has brought us a doubled national debt, ruinous expansion of entitlement programs, bridges to nowhere, poster boy Jack Abramoff and an ill-premised, ill-waged war conducted by politicians of breathtaking arrogance. As a sideshow, it brought us a truly obscene attempt at federal intervention in the Terry Schiavo case.”

Hear hear.

- Louis Maistros

*
http://louismaistros.com

Well, surprise surprise, everyone’s favorite hockey mom is apparently going down for “abuse of power” and ethics charges in Alaska. You betcha!

According to this article on CNN.com:

“Monegan said he was fired after refusing pressure to fire State Trooper Mike Wooten, who had gone through an acrimonious divorce and custody battle with Palin’s sister.

“Palin has repeatedly denied wrongdoing, describing Wooten as a “rogue trooper” who had threatened her family. Wooten denied the allegations.”

Interesting choice of words. I might have phrased it “maverick trooper.” All things considered.

These words from a recent editorial in The New Yorker suddenly ring truer than ever:

“Palin has no business being the backup to a President of any age, much less to one who is seventy-two and in imperfect health. In choosing her, McCain committed an act of breathtaking heedlessness and irresponsibility.”

Joe Six-Pack could not be reached for comment at press time.

- Louis Maistros

DISTURBING ADDENDUM:

The ORIGINAL version of the CNN.com article stated this:

“Palin had the authority as governor to fire him, the report by former Anchorage prosecutor Stephen Branchflower states.

“However, it states that her efforts to get Wooten fired broke a state ethics law that bars public officials from pursuing personal interest through official action.”

But the second line, that clearly states Palin “broke a state ethics law,” HAS BEEN REMOVED from the article! What gives?

LESS DISTURBING ADDENDUM:

This morning the sentence is back, but revised. I’m guessing I’m not the only one who noticed.

*

http://louismaistros.com

Dear readers, Louis Maistros is one of our newest generation of HumidCIty contributors. I am proud to point out that a re-worked version of a post that came up here and his own blog has now been put up as a guest colum on NOLA.com [read it here]

Go give it a read, I’m sure he would rather see intelligent comments than the tripe that usually appears in NOLA.com’s foolishly unmoderated stream…

Loki, HumidCity Founder

At long last, a proven bailout method designed specifically for struggling homeowners and NOT wealthy wallstreet tycoons.

Here is the official five-step homeowner bailout program:

Step one: Spend most of your life struggling to pay your mortgage, to the point where your are filled with absolute despair.

Step two: At the age of 90, when you are completely out of hope, be foreclosed on and evicted by the same heartless, money-grubbing bastards who you’ve been paying ridiculous interest to for many, many years.

Step three: When the sheriff’s department shows up to remove you from your home forcibly, attempt to end your own life by shooting yourself “at least twice in the upper body.”

Step four: Become famous for being a “symbol of the nation’s mortgage crisis.”

Step five: Fannie Mae will then forgive your mortgage and sign your house over to you.

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/10/03/eviction.suicide.attempt/index.html

I’m going to go be sick now. Have a nice day.

- Louis Maistros

*

http://louismaistros.com

This is the actual image being used on the front page of CNN.com right now:

I shit you not.

Then again, who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well, it’s you girl, and you should know it. With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all around, no need to fake it. You can have the world, why don’t you take it? You’re gonna make it after all.

Crap pants. Rinse. Repeat.

- Louis Maistros

*
http://louismaistros.com  

Click here for one-point plan, as detailed by Satch & Diz.

And now, suddenly, if momentarily, all is right in the world.

Amen and good night.

- Louis Maistros

PS: Don’t forget: The Louisiana voter registration deadline is Monday, October 6.

*

http://louismaistros.com

Is it just me, or does the substance of this ad clearly say: “Obama occasionally agrees with McCain, THEREBY PROVING that he is not ready to lead.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec3aC8ZJZTc

McCain campaign note-to-self: “In the future, before firing the dirty trick gun, aim barrel away from self.”

Today I am feeling thankful for the stupidity of the McCain campaign. Thank you, kind morons.

*
http://louismaistros.com

Are you registered to vote? Not sure? Check your status, and register if you aren’t, by visiting this site:

http://www.voteforchange.com/

Let’s not fuck around on election day. Unless the harsh possibility of one day having to utter the words “President Palin” doesn’t bother you, in which case, go back to sleep and ignore this message.

*
http://louismaistros.com

Today I read Gambit Weekly’s online obituary of Ruth Grace Moulon, more famously known as Ruthie the Duck Lady, formerly known as Ruthie the Duck Girl, and known to friends and neighbors simply as Miss Ruthie.

Gambit included one not-so-minor detail that the Times-Picayune left out, or perhaps did not know at the time of their earlier publication:

“Her doctor said Ruthie’s death was directly related to the stress of evacuation.”

This little sentence is very important, and we all need to really think about it, long and hard.

Although it is not a thing that very many of us like to discuss openly, these mass evacuations are dangerous. Especially for the elderly and infirm. We don’t like to talk about the danger of evacuations because everyone knows that hurricanes are much more dangerous. And in 2005 we all got a good schooling on what happens if we fail to evacuate nursing homes properly, effectively, or at all. But still, mass evacuations are dangerous. It’s just the truth. We need to be able to admit that before we can even begin to make them less so.

Now, I will never imply that nursing homes should not evacuate their residents when a storm like Gustav is approaching the city. They certainly should. But we need to find a better, safer way to do it.

We also need to be more honest about what constitutes a storm-related fatality. Miss Ruthie was very ill at the time of the evacuation. She might not have lived much longer anyway – but now we’ll never know. How many other elderly folks died too soon as a direct result of that evacuation, or other evacuations? Are these deaths “not storm related” because the victims didn’t drown in their own attics? A hastened death is a hastened death. If the death came sooner than it otherwise might have, the death is storm-related. This can be debated, but it’s really pretty simple. Evacuations shouldn’t kill people.

I have heard of many such deaths as a result of the 2005 storm, including the death of the mother of a good friend of mine. These are old folks who lived their whole lives in New Orleans, sometimes never having set foot outside of the city – only to draw their last breath in a strange city, far from home. It’s a terrifying fate, and why so many of our elderly refuse to leave in the first place. And not even having their deaths being counted for the tragedy that it is – gone too soon, due to a monster storm. Storm-related death. The very least we can do is call this what it is. It is disrespectful to do otherwise.

With these evacuations, it is indeed important to get as many people out as possible. But with the elderly and infirm, we need to combine quantity with quality.

Perhaps these evacuation plans can include a way of making the trip safer, smoother and quicker for our elderly citizens. Maybe we can coordinate nursing home evacuations to occur during a specific window of time, a window that includes a special lane in contra-flow for nursing home buses and cars with handicapped license plates. Sort of like an HOV lane. A way to keep these folks from being stuck in traffic for many hours in the heat, breathing exhaust fumes and fretting as they do, a way to get them to their destination in a few hours instead of the better part of a day.

I’m not blaming anyone. I don’t want to play that game. But I wonder if these tragic deaths can somehow be avoided, or at least lessened. And I would like very much for them to be counted for what they are; not swept under the rug, not ignored, not forgotten. Counted. Acknowledged. Addressed. Shown all due respect and love without hesitation or excuse.

These shortened lives do matter. Even if they are only being shortened by a month or a week or a day – it is too much. These are our mothers, our fathers, our grandparents, our teachers, our life mentors. These are the people who gave us everything we’ve got; our culture, our livelihoods, our sense of humor, our sense of dignity, our zest for life itself. These are not disposable lives; they are treasures to us; our living history and our blood. They are where we came from, and who we will one day be. We owe them a lot, and we owe them better.

- Louis Maistros

*
http://louismaistros.com

Maybe for the same reason that Larry Craig hates gays? Is it just me, or has sexual self-loathing really evolved into a disturbing GOP trademark?

The following is almost beyond comprehension for anyone with a soul or a conscience.

During four years in which Sarah Palin was mayor of Wasillia, rape victims were charged for their own rape kits. The practice was the brainchild of her handpicked police chief (which she hired shortly after being elected mayor). This absurd, cruel, disrespectful and harmful practice (which was not practiced by Alaska State Troopers or any other Alaskan city, just Wasilla, and only under Palin’s watch) was not put to and end until then-governor Tony Knowles made it illegal by signing a bill into law that objected to the practice. Governor Knowles explained thus:

“We would never bill the victim of a burglary for fingerprinting and photographing the crime scene, or for the cost of gathering other evidence,” Knowles said. “Nor should we bill rape victims just because the crime scene happens to be their bodies.”

Source: Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman, Wasilla Alaska, article published May 22, 2000.

Which begs the question, why on earth would any law enforcement agency want to charge a woman for the investigation of her own rape? Because the examination and the rape itself aren’t humiliation enough? Read the rest of this entry »

As the hearts of New Orleanians go out to the folks in Texas and West Louisiana who felt (and continue to feel) the brutal force of Hurricane Ike, it is rather demoralizing that our knucklehead mayor continues to work miracles by actually making an unfathomably bad situation decidedly worse – and in such spectacularly imaginative ways. In a sense, he is a wonder. I mean, this shouldn’t even be possible, right?

For those unfamiliar with Hizzoner’s latest stunt, it seems C-Ray held a press conference Thursday afternoon in which he encouraged people in Texas to evacuate to New Orleans, with promises of cheap, flat-rate hotel rooms in the city. He told the people of Texas, “Just ask for the Ray Nagin Special.” He later explained that his message was “to say to our friends in Houston and Texas that we want to take care of you, since you have taken care of us.”

Isn’t that sweet? I think so.

Problem is, he forgot to mention the “Ray Nagin Special” to hotel owners across the city. Problem is, it’s actually against federal anti-trust laws to create such a flat rate, even voluntarily. Problem is, it’s not voluntary anyway – it can’t be voluntary if the people being asked to donate don’t even know about it. Problem is, New Orleans businesses are still limping along economically since the 2005 storm and can’t really afford to do something like this – especially without any sort of a plan or information at all beforehand so they can figure a way to make it work. Problem is, it just isn’t nice for The Mayor to be so generous with other people’s money. Problem is, it’s not exactly brilliant to ask disaster victims to evacuate to a far-from-fully-recovered disaster area in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »

For the people who live along the Texas coast who are feeling the fear of this thing, you are not and never will be alone. May God bless and protect you.

-LM

We are officially out of the cone. For now. Fuck that, we are out of the cone till next year, so sez me, and that’s final.

Until then, I’ll have my rain plain, thank you, with a side of light breeze, hold the pickles and the crazy-ass winds, and keep my surge on the side in a little paper cup.

I know the cone is imaginary, but I’m still damn glad to be the hell out of it.

The 2008 hurricane season has not been as nuts as 2005, but still, plenty nuts. Florida got hit 3 times by the same hurricane (Fay). New Orleans was threatened by a big one on the anniversary of thee big one. Haiti got hit by four different hurricanes. Cuba has had its worst storm season in decades.

Which brings up a couple of other important points that we Americans tend to not think about much.

Everyone in New Orleans is going on about how difficult the Gustav evacation was – and it was difficult, don’t get me wrong. But not much has been said about Haiti, the poorest country in the western hemisphere, which has gone through some absolute devastation in these last few weeks – the heartbreaking tragedy of which continues to unfold even as I type this. They need help. Badly. Just because they are used to living without basic comforts does not mean it’s ok to turn a blind eye to this. Because they are poor doesn’t make them less than human. Anyone with a few dollars to spare can potentially make a positive difference by throwing it this way:

http://www.lambifund.org/

Money is tight all over, for me too, but I sent what I was able. My contribution was puny, but if you add your own puny contribution, spread the word, inspire more puny contributions, after awhile it’s all not so puny. So send a few bucks. You’ll feel very good about it if you do, and you’ll hardly miss the money at all with only a tiny bit of passing time.

And regarding Cuba – why does our government insist on insulting these people? What have they really done to hurt us? After these storms, we offered them a ridiculously small amount of aid, and insisted that their own government not be allowed to distribute it, but instead that we be allowed to distribute it ourselves through a private firm. That is a flat out insult, and a heartless one to boot.

The Cuban government said thanks but not thanks (good for them!), but suggested that they would like to be able to purchase some of our produce with their own money to feed their own suffering people in the aftermath of these disasters, if we don’t mind suspending our stupid trade embargo for a few fucking minutes. This does not seem unreasonable to me.

And really, what the fuck are we hoping to accomplish with this half century old embargo anyway? Who are we punishing exactly, and to what end? It is complete insanity and it must end.

It is especially heinous for our American government to continue on with this trade embargo under the current circumstances, and in light of the fact that Cuba continues to honor a century-old treaty that allows us to use Guantanamo Bay as if it is American soil, and for sometimes questionable purposes at that.

Most Americans don’t even know why we have rights to Guantanamo Bay in the first place. If you don’t know, don’t be embarrassed because you are not alone, but here’s the basic story: It is part of a treaty agreement from the Spanish-American War. Yes, the one that ended in 1898. At the time, Cuba was grateful to America for helping it gain independence from Spain, and gave us rights to keep a military base at Guantanamo because they assumed we’d always be their friends and help protect them from the Spanish. In other words, the original intent is now completely obsolete. We are not their friends. They are not threatened by the Spanish.

If Cuba can be good enough to continue honoring that century old treaty (which is now clearly against their own best interest), perhaps we can be big enough to end this cruel and pointless trade embargo.

It’s time.

- Louis Maistros

*
http://louismaistros.com