FUTURE NEWS – Your Apathy, Your World!

Oct 14, 2007 by

Hollywood: Heiress, Pussy Hilton, granddaughter of cryogenically frozen Paris Hilton, best known as the Death Tax Princess for her refusal to ever die, has pled “No Contest” to charges that she beat another of her ‘servants for life’ to death, during a cocaine frenzy & tantrum. She received a suspended five day sentence and has entered rehab for the entire afternoon.

Washington: George W. the Third, Emperor For Life of the United States and head of the Republicans For God party, has revamped the Patriot/Traitor Act yet again. His new Peace Brigade now has the power to enter any place of business, worship or dwelling at will, and arrest anyone at anytime under the Sneaking Suspicion Act, hold suspects indefinitely and without counsel, and shoot to kill on grounds of Suspected Resistance. Naysayers of this giant step for freedom were unavailable for comment.

New Orleans: The Army Corps of Engineers has announced that the pumps in the City of New Orleans may be fully operational by the end of this year’s Hurricane Season. The levee repairs started after Katrina (2005) should be completed within five years, assuming the walls around the gated Haliburton Village, America’s most expensive neighborhood, are finished. Blackwater USA was again uncontested in their application for security there. Located in what used to be the Lower Ninth Ward, these estate homes and golf course represent the highest concentration of politicians and oil barons in the USA and “deserve protection from the Great Unwashed”, according to White House spokesmen.

In The News: The Independent Islamic States of New York, Florida and Georgia once again held trials for any single men and women who attended last week’s Heresy Burnings without a chaperone. Defense counsel asked for torture and dismemberment instead of the televised burnings. This is believed to be a ploy to boost the sagging ratings during immoliation broadcasts, which have continued a downward trend since they began airing weekly. Follow-up programing to the torture shows, such as ‘Healing Back to Allah’, rate highly in the reality TV market.

In Georgia: The rash of arrests of women who appear without veils has fallen sharply, due largely to the Hot Iron Blindings, given mercifully by Clerics Of Study & Punishment, but other states, where science is still legal, say that this is due to the large number of people wearing welders helmets, as temperatures reach the low 120’s and UV rays once again burn the paint off older cars. Bucky ‘Haliburton’ Cheney, Energy Czar, has suggested a tax on these helmets, as well as the newer Fossil Fuel Free automobiles, saying that funding is needed to study the possibility that we are experiencing “Global Cooling”.

When asked his opinion, Michael Moore III spoke from the Sedition Section of Death Row, where he awaits execution for heresy and treason, saying only, “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

-Lord David

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