tonight we’re gonna party like it’s august 29

Aug 1, 2008 by

So it’s August and the big anniversary is coming up. Me and the family usually head to Gulf Shores, Alabama to lie on the beach, count our blessings, and forget. We really don’t need a flashy annual reminder of what turned our lives upside down.

I understand the desire to commemorate what happened, and to pay tribute to the lives that were lost. But that’s really not us, y’know? This is the land of jazz funerals; where the usual drill is to look death in the eye, thumb our collective nose at it, and strike up the band. All this commemoration stuff is a just a flat-out bummer, and it’s out of character.

This year, let’s do what we do. Turn the beat around. Take a sad song and make it better. Transform our blues into a turbo-charged, sugar-frosted luv-mo-sheen. Let’s take the anniversary of the worst thing that’s ever happened to this city and make it a day that promotes change for the better and celebrates the power of redemption over catastrophe. Let’s be a city of wise-aching smart alecks. Yes, this is what we do.

I have a proposal for my fellow New Orleanians.

This year, on August 29, instead of mulling over our misfortunes, let’s take a cue from the president. Let’s follow his lead – with an act of solidarity and tolerance that will push the boundaries of human comprehension.

This August 29, let’s shuffle off the collective gloom by having a citywide party that celebrates the birthday of John McCain.


Pop quiz: Where was President Bush when the big storm hit, on August 29, 2005?


(actual photograph taken on August 29, 2005)

He was in Arizona having a piece of birthday cake with his buddy, John McCain.

The president didn’t get caught with his pants down, the storm did not take him by surprise. Everyone saw it coming, knew exactly when it would make landfall. The president’s master plan for zero hour was, apparently: Gotta get me summa that cake!

I’m not sure if I blame the president. Think about it. John McCain, in effect, lured a mentally-disabled manchild to Arizona with the promise of a tasty hunk of birthday cake. How can we expect a feeble-minded person to resist such yummy temptation?

I’m not sure if I blame Senator McCain either. When you reach his age, you really have to celebrate each birthday as if it might be your last – bodies floating down the streets of a major American city be damned!

So this August 29, let’s follow the example of these two great Americans – one who is president, and the other who will be the next president if we’re not careful.

Let them eat cake. And let’s have some, too!

Start making plans. I want to see McCain birthday parties popping up all over the city this August 29. It will be a chance to turn a frown upside-down, and to provide the sort of high-minded, outrageous political mockery that New Orleanians have always been famous for.

Start blogging about your McCain Birthday Bash plans, set up websites, and spread the word!

Come as you were: life preservers and air-mattress-as-flotation-devices are optional but recommended! Don’t forget those pointy little paper birthday hats – and be sure to bring lots and lots of candles!

If our citywide McCain Birthday Bash makes the national news (as it should!), it will be an opportunity for us to remind the rest of the country (in a very important election year!) what Candidate McCain really thinks of American citizens who are staring down the darkest moment of their recorded history: Not much!

He didn’t let us ruin his party, so let’s not let him ruin ours!

If we play our cards right, we can: pass a good time, make a point about the common-decency-deficit in the Republican party, help get Senator Obama elected, let the world know we’ve still got a sense of humor, and wish an old man a happy birthday.

Everybody wins!

That’s right, New Orleanians, this August 29th we can save the human race with a good old-fashioned hunk of birthday cake. It’s not been done before, but there’s a first time for everything…

– Louis Maistros

These things may not be right, but they are true


The Sound of Building Coffins Louis Maistros is due for release by The Toby Press in March, 2009

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  1. I’m back at Twitter. Transparency, man!

  2. We need to pull together an official HumidCity McCain BDay Party. Let me talk to some people. Louis that is the most ingenious idea I have heard in a long while. Hell yeah!

  3. That is a freakin’ great idea! Get pics and some video, and then Flickr and YouTube them. It’ll be great election fodder.

    I’m in.

  4. Oh yeah. Let’s fodder it up. This might actually impact the election.

    Tee hee.

    Behold the power of cheese.


  5. And a spoof commercial could be made about how Se, McCain gave Peznut Bush a present by giving Bush an excuse to NOT BE near the Gulf Coast as a monster hurricane named Katrina roared onshore and New Orleans drowned.

    Bush couldn’t leave, the was cake… Ummm yummy cake.

  6. I bet I could get some of my west coast/east coast friends in on this. PLaning sessions will be announced once I survive the weekend.

  7. Oh, if I can be there I would LOVE to make a cake for it…something “a la” FEMA trailer-ish? (but nowhere near as unhealthy) Or mayhap in the style of a flooded/damaged home w/a tarp over it?

    We could have our (mcinsain) cake and eat it too!

    Eat our pain, defeat mccain!

    Party like a partisan appointee!

    And great browsing and sluicing and whatnot (to borrow from my old Wodehouse Society)
    Peace, Elspeth

  8. Kris

    That’s great. I spent the past couple of years thinking that LA politicians (e.g, Nagin and BlancO) had some responsibility for LA citizens. Turns out it is just the President of the USA that bears responsibility.

    Now you don’t have to do that part II of this article, telling us what Nagin, Blanco and the rest of the do nothings in LA were doing to prepare LA for Katrina. Glad to see none of the local politicians that spent 20 plus years ignoring LA levees aren’t at fault here.

    Now I can rest at peace knowing that I shouldn’t bother voting in local elections. Those guys are just figure heads with no real responsibilities towards LA’s citizens.

  9. Kris — I’m afraid the world will have to be saved one birthday cake at a time.

    There’s plenty of blame to go around for what happened here. When those other folks you mention have big elections coming up, we’ll point our ire at them with greater focus.

    At the moment three important events are lining up like rogue planets: the storm anniversary, a very scary presidential election, and the birthday of a presidential candidate that not only falls on the same day as the anniversary, but also pre-empted a sitting president’s attention from the greatest natural/unnatural disaster in the country’s history.

    The irony is almost too much to bear. Should we ignore?

    Now, if you’re rebuke is actually based on a secret love of President Bush, then that’s a whole other story.

  10. I love this idea, Louis.
    I wanna party like their IQs add up to 99….

    Insider sources tell me the whole birthday photo shoot was a set-up, and the cake was actually made of cardboard, and completely hollow….The irony there is so thick you could cut it like, well, birthday cake.

    The idea of another President like these guys really
    (…wait for it…)

    frosts me.

    Hey, is it okay if we hand out dunce caps as party wear?
    This is just too good….

  11. An extensive comment stream on Louis’ LiveJournal Crosspost of this is going on here:

    It includes a number of conservative/libertarian participants and a member of the NOPD.

  12. Somehow it has become a discussion about gun rights, Ron Paul, and Obama as the new Hitler. And it’s mostly hysterical.

    Someone must have put some good shit in the metaphorical birthday cake.

  13. Hey LD — I think dunce caps are a no-brainer here. :)

    I’m starting to feel a bit frosted myself. Everyone is acting like Obama is a lock, but if you look at the polls McCain actually has a lead in the “likely voters” category. That is scary.

    I remember a similar complacency with Kerry. We really have to play rough this time. Too much at stake.

    This past week got away too quick, but let’s do coffee this coming week. Sound Cafe reopens on Monday. Pick the day.

  14. MIght be able to attend as well, email me.

  15. Abso-tively, Loki. Just waiting on a specific day from the good Lord David.

    We were gonna talk old punk rock days, but I’m sure we can squeeze in a plan to save the world from the gaping maw of doom that is neoconservatism.


  16. I don’t want to post the day here, kids. That Dark Law dude offering to “bring flowers” to Loki’s house is just a littel too Blackwater for me.

    I’m sure that just what he wants, of course, is for all of us to believe the NOPD is stocked with paramilitery spooks, ready to take on the impending apocolypse by going door to door to ‘straighten out’ on line insurgents.

    If the “likely voters” get their way, according to Louis, that’s pretty much where we’re headed anyway….

  17. Don’t lose hope, there’s still a lot of unlikely voters out there who may get off their asses, considering the shape the country’s in right now.

    Yeah, let’s not invite a drive-by. Email the coordinates for rendezvous! (hardy har)


  18. Yeah You Right!!! Actually, you read my mind. I’m going to throw a Huey Long/Katrina Party this year, and at some point in time we are going to Second Line in my neighborhood for Katrina. It’s what we do! Yeah you right! Banzai

  19. The Vampire LeThad

    Great idea, until it turned into a political forum. Sorry, I can’t join on this, but I don’t exactly see much of a difference between either candidate…

  20. I can’t help but notice that one of them is the Continuing Ancient White Guy With Corporate Oil Millions Behind Him Who Will Start More Wars. And he lies all the time (see video The Real McCain) on video tape.

    The other is a new guy, making promises he may or may not be able to keep. In my thinking, at least that gives us a shot.

    Of course, being a Vampire and all, you may have much more serious thoughts and political observations.

  21. mardi claw

    already puttin this one out there…. LOL

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