Werewolf Crazy

Jan 23, 2010 by

It was gratifying to find that C. Ray Nagin is being considered by some to be an expert on disaster. ‘Finally”, I thought “people realize that he really does know more about disasters and how to make them more insulting and infuriating than any other person currently taking valuable oxygen out of the atmosphere and replacing it with a gaseous form of failure”. But I misunderstood. Upon further reading I found that he was, indeed, being sought for some sort of sage wisdom on how to handle Haiti’s current situation. Okay, I’ll play their little game.

MonkeyBoy Presents: What can Nagin teach Haiti?

Lesson One: Using profanity in a panicked, crackling voice that implies you may have just shit your pants live on the radio will get some international attention. But be advised that this must be done immediately after the disaster, when thousands of lives are still in danger, and in lieu of  any attempt to save those lives directly.

Lesson Two: Show a complete lack of leadership at all times. Consistency is important for this to work. Be careful not to accidentally make decisions on behalf of anyone no matter how desperate the situation. In fact, take the time to let everyone have a vote. If Army’s around the world have proven nothing else, they’ve proven that when under duress and time is a factor, the slow, methodical process of finding out what everyone, however unqualified, thinks, works best.

Lesson Three: Ignore “The Big Picture”. Leave that to people who have leadership skills. Instead focus on the detail in an excruciating manner. Set up committees to form committees to decide if there should be committees to over see the committees if committees are setup. And offer no guidance. Just make people sit in a room and talk about what they, specifically want. The more self-interest runs the conversation the better.

Lesson Four: Anytime a tv camera is pointed anywhere near you always, always always, extend your right arm out toward the camera in a slow, knowing way; squint your eyes in a manner that suggests you are perturbed; and from your closed hand allow your index finger to extend out. Follow this with the word, “man…” [pause] and commence to blame anything that comes to mind on anyone other than you.

Lesson Five: Pick something universally despised and make that your city’s brand. Something like, say, I don’t know, Racism. But give it a nice spin. Something like “Chocolate City” would be a fine way to go.

Lesson Six; Between the two and three year mark following the disaster, you’ll want to be prepared to hang signs up around the least effected areas taking credit for fixing damage that never occurred. They should be big enough to really piss off anyone living around there that knows nothing has been done in the area but the planting of a bullshit seed that sprang to life and bloomed a sign claiming undeserved credit.

There are surely more items that can be added to the list but I’m going to need some help. What would you suggest be the lessons that our Honorable Mayor could contribute to the collective knowledge of our tragic Haitian friends?

And please, give what you can through a reputable organization that can help in Haiti quickly and in a meaningful way. I would hate if the largest contribution Haiti receives from the City of New Orleans be that warm wind of failure from our mayor’s lie factory.


Jack “MonkeyBoy” Ware


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