Mysterious Bird Deaths Continue…

Jan 16, 2011 by

Saturday, January 15th, 2011.

Early evening more bird deaths occurred over the city of Pittsburgh, PA, as a number of Ravens fell from the sky over Heinz Field in what continues to be a bad year for feathered fauna. Reports of massive Raven deaths have also come in from the Baltimore, MD, area and it is thought that these events may be connected

“There’s no telling how many Ravens died tonight,” remarked Pittsburgh area student Gina Machi, “I mean, it was rilly sad the way they’d slam into to the ground, get up and try to fly again, all wibbly-wobbly, and then BAM!! …right back into the ground… like they were trying to fly through a thick slab of steel!!”

Early speculation is that a major seismic event occurring near the convergence of the Ohio, Allegheny and Monongahela rivers may have traumatized the Ravens so badly that their hearts simply stopped beating, causing them to plummet to their doom. Scientists could not be reached for comment, but sports reporters cautioned that this could be the beginning of a trend.

Indeed, nearly four hours later, in Atlanta, GA, another mass bird death was reported near the Georgia Dome, and all across The Big Peach, where an incredible number of Falcons were found battered, bruised and beaten. Streets were almost impassible due to the high body count.

“It was weird,” said Atlanta resident Kevin M Forrester, “We just came outside to walk the cat and there was all these black and red bodies layin’ in the street. Some of ’em still twitching a li’l! Normally we save ’em for stew, but the wife thinks they’s somethin’ wrong with thesens.”

Forrester also claimed that there was some kind of noxious “funk” in the air, like raw cheese, but “stankier”, leading some to speculate on possible chemical poisoning, but BP spokesmen claim that no Corexit had been sprayed in the affected areas, “…at least not that night.”

There is one connecting thread in that both events occurred in the vicinity of a sports stadium. Close watch is being kept on Chicago’s Soldier Field for the moment as an errant flock of out-of-season Seahawks has been spotted in the area.

UPDATE: Sunday, January 16, 2011

As feared, mass bird deaths continued today as thousands of Seahawks were found ripped to shreds in Chicago, IL and Seattle, WA.

“It’s just disheartening,” said Seattle resident Allen Paul, a local software tinkerer and sports enthusiast, “Initially we thought it was snowing, but we soon realized what was descending from the skies were feathers! Thousands of feathers followed by the little bird bodies. They were mutilated… almost as if torn apart by Bears.”

One New Orleans resident, Donna Green, says, “It’s certainly a terrible time to be in the air. If I had travel plans I’d certainly cancel them. Whatever is up there certainly doesn’t like flying things and I would certainly not want to be in a Jet this weekend!”

HumidCity will update this story as more information becomes available.

-M Styborski

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