Where Were You Hiding (When the Storm Broke?)

Sep 3, 2012 by

Saints LogoFolks, don’t face the future fearing embarrassing questions from your children, like, “Daddy, did you see Marques Colston break Joe Horn’s career touchdown record?” or “Mommy, who was the first Saints player to record two career safeties?” All you have to do is tune in to humidcity.com every weekend and we’ll, (that is, I’ll,) keep you up-to-date on all the Saints records that are shattered in the 2012 season! (And even a few records the NFL doesn’t care or know about!)

For instance, like every good business the NFL prefers it’s books to balance at the end of the day. That’s why they only give receivers, and not quarterbacks, points for passing touchdowns. I guess they figure that QB’s already have enough stats. It’s also one of the reasons kickers are king atop the career points lists. But I always thought it was kind of a gyp that passers never got to play in the career scoring sandbox for realsies, so I added up Drew Brees’ total scoring and gave him a second, unofficial slot. By NFL rules, Drew’s career scoring with the Saints (30 points) puts him in a seventeen-way tie for 83rd place along with Walter Roberts, Jimmy Rogers, Fred McAfee, Michael Lewis and Mark Ingram, among others. But what if we added all those passing TD’s that the NFL won’t give him, eh?

What indeed…

Well, folks, that would raise Drew’s career scoring total to 1236 points! And that, my good friends, is enough to unofficially catapult him into 2nd place on the Saints all-time scoring roster, just 82 points behind Old Golden Toes Himself, Mister Morten Andersen! Considering Drew has averaged 33.5 TD’s/season in the Big Easy, by the end of this season he will have eclipsed Morten’s 1318 points by 119. And he’ll have done it in half the time, but of course, Morten was racking up points 3 at a time as opposed to 6…

Want some more unofficial-but-whack stats? Drew Brees is single-handedly responsible for 16.79% of all Saints passing attempts, 19.97% of all Saints passing completions, 19.11% of all Saints passing yardage and 23.02% of all saints passing touchdowns!! That’s just a smidge under 20% of the entire Saints QB passing production and with a brand new contract, those numbers are only gonna get bigger!!

But now for the official Saints records:

Career TD’s:
Marques Colston (48) is one TD away from taking sole possession of 4th place on this list which he shares with Eric Martin. Just 8 TD’s this season will give him the Number One spot above Joe Horn (3rd – 50), Dalton Hilliard (2nd – 53) and Deuce McAllister (1st – 55). Other live wires in the category include Pierre Thomas and Lance Moore (9th – 31 each), Devery Henderson (21st – 20), Jimmy Graham (25th – 16) and Darren Sproles (42nd – 10).

Passing: (AKA the Drew Brees Annex)
Confound it, I guess I’m just jaded by success, but this is one of the ho-hummiest categories we have. As in, “Ho-hum, Drew Brees just set another Saints record…” He virtually has them all. Seriously, every attempt (3670), completion (2488), yard (6660) and TD (201) will be a New Saints Career Passing Record for Brees! The only major categories he can advance in are those which he wants to avoid advancing in: interceptions and sacks.

Drew (93) is currently in 2nd place behind Archie Manning’s 156 interceptions so that’s probably safe for this season, but the sacks are catching up to him. Drew’s 116 sacks (4th place) are just three behind Bobby Hebert’s 119. After that it will be a long climb to catch Aaron Brooks (209) and Archie (340). Wow. Yeah, let me spell that one… three-hundred and mother-grabbing forty sacks!! Poor Archie never did have a line…

Pierre Thomas (521 attempts) should take 10th place from Reggie Bush (524) this weekend needing only 4 attempts to do so. He’s also just 54 yards away (2501) from Mario Bates’ (2554) 8th place slot for career rushing yards. One rushing TD (23) will push him past his tie with both George Rogers and Reuben Mayes for sole possession of 5th place. Granted, it’s going to be hard to do considering our backfield also contains Chris Ivory, Mark Ingram and Darren Sproles, all of whom are in the top 50 in each of those categories. Plus, he’s going to have to watch out for Travaris Cadet as well! The running game is going to be insane this year!

Marques Colston (449) is 75 receptions away from taking Joe Horn’s (523) #2 spot and that could actually happen this year. Colston has averaged 74.83 receptions in his six seasons as a Saint, and the last two seasons saw him reel in 84 and 80 balls respectively.In fact, if Colston snags 84 balls this year he’ll actually take 1st place from Eric Martin (532)! But his competition is climbing as well, though. Lance Moore (244) is 6 catches behind Dalton Hilliard’s (249) 9th place spot and 12th place Devery Henderson (223) is 11 catches behind Deuce McAllister (234).

Colston (6240) has 1382 yards to go to catch Joe Horn’s (7622) 2nd place career yardage spot and that won’t happen this year unless miracles happen. However, Lance Moore (2783) should dislodge Donte Stallworth (2791) from 10th place in the season opener against the Redskins and by season’s end he should also move past Wes Chandler (2801) for 8th place.

But speaking of insane, (and we were a few paragraphs ago so try to follow the math here,) let’s us talk TD receptions, a’ight? Of the 137 Saints who have caught a TD pass, our current roster boasts six, count ’em six, players in the top 35! Darren Sproles and Pierre Thomas are tied with Larry Hardy for 34th place with 7 TD receptions each. Every TD catch these kids make will move them up considerably in the rankings. If either catches 9 TD’s this year, they’ll move into a 12th place tie with Dave Parks, Torrance Small and Jimmy Graham (16 each)! Oh, wait, that’s assuming Jimmy comes up goose-eggs all season, and we KNOW that ain’t happening! Jimmy needs but 1 TD reception to make 12th place his very own. With 6 on the season, he’ll claim 11th place from Hoby Brenner (21) and 8 TD’s would push him into 9th place, past Donte Stallworth and Robert Meachem (23 each). Anything past that and he’ll be jockeying for 8th position with Devery Henderson (25) who only needs 3 TD receptions to take 7th place from Henry Childs (27) and 6 to jump over Lance Moore (30) in 6th place who in turn needs 8 TD catches to burn Danny Abramowicz for 5th place! Whew, that’s an abacus full!

And then there’s Marques… at 48 TD’s he’s in a three-way tie for 2nd place with Quinn Early and Eric Martin. One away from sole possession and just 3 away from taking Slotto Numero Uno from Joe Horn (50). It’s gonna happen, Joe, and you can’t stop it. You may have a week… maybe two, but it’s gonna happen before the week six bye, so enjoy the time at the top while you can! I’m chilling the Champale as I type!

With John Kasay out of the way, (and damn, I hate using that expression here because I actually grew rather fond of him last year,) the record books are Garret Hartley’s to cook. While he has a couple decades to go before he even nears Morten Andersen, Hartley (42) should muscle past Charlie Durkee (52) for 4th place on the Saints career FG roster. Yes, that’s right, 4th place and after just four years and 27 games! (Remember Morten Andersen, Doug Brien and John Carney had the kicking duties for 27 of the Saints 45 years and other than Hartley and Kasay, most of our kickers just plain stank…) Hartley also has a long way to go to catch Doug Brien (123) and John Carney (168) and considering the TD-producer that Drew Brees is, Hartley may never even get close to any of those guys unless he has some Andesrenesque staying power.

He’s in the same boat in the XP department as well. Hartley (78) should pass Rich Szaro (80) for 5th place in Sunday’s opener and then it’s a quick 8 points to take Charlie Durkee’s (87) other 4th place spot. After that it’s another long climb to Brien (144), Carney (264) and Andersen (412). But let’s face it… even if Garrett never reaches Morten, or even Carney or Brien, he still has that Fleur-de-Mother-Fucking-Lis Championship Kick that puts him on the top of almost every Saints Fan’s list!

(By-the-by… Morten Andersen was here for so long (13 seasons) that he presently holds 32.90% of ALL successful Saints field goals and 28.39% of ALL successful Saints extra points! The numbers are similar for attempts, so essentially, Morten Andersen is currently, single-footedly, responsible for 30% of the Saints entire kicking game! If you think those numbers are big, when Morten left the Saints after the 1994 season, he had racked up 58% of our FG’s and 50% of our XP’s!! What a freak!)

In the interception category, Patrick Robinson and Roman Harper (4 each – 15-way tie for 54th), Jonathan Vilma (Ginger willing…) and Jabari Greer (5 each – 12-way tie for 42nd), and Tracy Porter (7 – 8-way tie for 28th) all have a lot of ground to cover to even reach Darren Sharper (9 – 5-way tie for 16th, and all 9 came from his 2009 season.). But from what we’ve seen in the pre-season, this could be the year of the interception for the Saints. Still, it’s a steep grade to catch Dave Waymer (37) in 1st!

Will Smith needs 15.5 sacks to take 3rd place from Pat Swilling. Might not happen this year considering… well, let’s move on, shall we? Smith (1) could also become the first Saint with 2 career safeties if the goal line opportunities are right. He’s currently in a 14-way tie with, (deep inhale…) Dick J Anderson, Joe Owens, Elois Grooms, Rickey Jackson, Frank Warren, Bruce Clark, Brett Maxie, Brian Forde, Wayne Martin, Tommie Stowers, Charles Grant, James Allen and Tony Bryant… whew!

And A Stat So Delicious It Needs It’s Own Paragraph and an Assload of Italics…:
The New Orleans Saints have a bye in week six, which is fine by me. It will give Drew Brees a nice little breather after his 100th Regular Season Game As A Saint in week five. At Home. In the Dome. On National Television. On NBC’s Sunday Night Football. Against his former team, the San Diego Chargers… Tell me someone in the NFL scheduling office doesn’t have a twisted sense of humour/irony/justice/what-have-you…

So until next week, ladies and gentles, I recommend  you spend the next six days collecting all the anger, ire, angst and etcetera you have over Hurricane Isaac, Entergy, the Army Corps and the guy who cut you off on I-10, and distill it into the most potent batch of Crunk this side of February 7th, 2010 because Saints Football is back, baby and we ’bout to bring the house down!

(Loki, fact check plz: Are we still doing “crunk”? Or is there something hipper these days, like… I dunno… “We Chisenboppin'” or something…)

-M Styborski

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