Saints 2014|15

Dec 15, 2014 by

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It’s our ninth stop at 5-8. Fifth straight game without a rushing TD. No INTs. No sacks. 29 completions out of 49 attempts and just 235 passing yards. And that’s all I care to discuss about one of the most miserable performances by professional athletes ever in this city.

And we’re off on the road to Chicago. The Bears lead the series 15-13; tied at 2-2 SPE. What’s gonna happen on Monday Night? I hesitate to add the word “football” to the end of that query as both teams have difficulty in providing evidence of avocation in that field of late. Or, in Drunk-At-The-End-Of-The-Bar terms… they both suck eggs!

While both Saints and Bears have shown a complete disregard for anything remotely resembling professional football this season, the Saints have actually managed to score more than 30 points a handful of times, unlike their ursine counterparts whose best total to date is 28 points; a win against SF early in the season and a loss to Dallas last week. Defensively however, they both have allowed 30+ points in six games each; Chicago in their last two games and New Orleans in their last three.

Evidence would suggest a Saints road domination like that in Pittsburgh just two weeks ago, but the Steelers are a good team. The Bears, being what they are, should have no trouble decimating our anemic defense; a bear trap game, if you will. After all, the Panthers laid bare every weakness in the collective agglomeration of talented individuals on our roster. (Surely you don’t expect me to call the Saints a “team” at this point?)

Both Saints and Bears are a dismal 5-8. Chicago emerged victorious against the Niners, Jets, Falcons, Vikings and Buccaneers. Not necessarily the most fearsome collection of opponents. The Saints bested the Vikings, Buccaneers, Packers, Panthers and Steelers. Similar opponents with the exception of the Packers and Steelers, both on the road to the post-season.

Honestly, if you took all the aspects –good and bad– of both teams, and cast them into the air like runes, you’d be… well, picking up aspects for the next three hours. And you’d miss the few that rolled under the couch and they’d begin to stink after a few days and eventually the cat would wake you up with one morning, clutching a twitching aspect between her teeth and you’d think to yourself, “Oh, I forgot about that! It all makes sense now!” So… let’s not then.

The Machine went into conniptions as I force fed the stats into it this week. It petulantly refused to calculate by automation and I had to hand-crank it like a meat grinder, which is pretty much what this game is going to be: two sub-par teams beating the crap out of one another in order to prove that the world is wrong about them; that they are still relevant. Good luck with that. The Machine says Chicago 29-27. The Machine is insane. I’m willing to give the Bears their highest point total this year, but unwilling to bet on them winning. Though if I do, perhaps the Saints will show up just to prove me wrong… Fuck it. I’m on a roll.

Saints: 37

Bears: 29

Here, have some numerical frippery!

Drew Brees (140-13th) passed Will Smith’s service record by one game. I don’t even want to bring this up, but… Drew Brees’ next sack will be his 200th. That will still put him nine behind Aaron Brooks and 140 behind Archie Manning. Still, that will only be 12.89% of the 1551 sacks that Saints QBs have taken over the years!

Mark Ingram (102-37th) is one TD away from Ricky Williams and Archie Manning on the points list.

Pierre Thomas (816-5th) passed Ricky Williams (814) in rushing attempts.

Travaris Cadet (336-100th) broke his receiving yards tie with Jim Thaxton (323) and moved ahead of Lorenzo Neal (326).

Marques Colston (653-1st) caught his 650th pass and (9043-1st) 9000th yard as a Saint!

Kenny Stills (79-48th) is one reception away from Al Dodd (80).

Jimmy Graham (300-9th) needs one TD to tie Joe Horn on the points list and (50-t-2nd) pass Horn on the receiving TD list.

Jalen Saunders broke with Sea Payton’s tradition of fair catches and kneeling down in the end-zone by returning three punts for 68 yards. It’s almost as if the ghost of Darren Sproles returned for a game.

Jahri Evans (139-t-14th) tied Will Smith’s service record.

Shayne Graham (103-36th) passed Mark Ingram (102-37th) on the points list. Graham is five points away from Ricky Williams and Archie Manning (108).

Joe Morgan was given his walking papers in what is becoming a week 15 trend for Sean Payton: fixing the problem by cutting someone who’s not the problem so that the problem will see that there’s a problem and fix itself. Morgan ends his paid vacation with the Saints playing in just 19 of 61 games over the last four years. He collected 11 receptions for 386 yards (35.1 avg) and 3 TDs. Morgan also had 2 rushes for 68 yards One of those attempts was a one yard run; you can figure the other out for yourself.

-M Styborski

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