We Fix Your Brand: 05 Donald Trump
OK, this is a quickie, which is what we all thought Donald Trump’s foray into politics would be. Man, he sure put one over on us! Here’s the nicest, richest, classiest, smartest punk on planet Earth and with all the resources he has at his bellicose beck and call, this is what he comes up with for branding…
I take issue with the slogan in particular. America is still great. It’s the small-minded, self-serving, pandering jackasses we elect that are the problem. Still, you’ve got to admire someone so blindingly full of himself that all he needs are a name and a slogan that he outright stole from Ronald Reagan’s 1980 campain! No logo, no stars, no flames, eagles, flags or wavy lines. A red field to remind folks he’s a Republican [for now] and a heavy-handed gradient which, we guess, is supposed to conjure an image of shiny silver! Happy fucking days are here again! But technically, this is just the start of things on his website. Here’s his most recent design:
There are children on Zazzle selling cooler Trump yard signs! We do like the creme, though. We think it adds the slightest touch of professionalism and class to one of the biggest boors to ever set foot in the political ring. The blue field is clearly an attempt to confuse voters into thinking he’s some kind of a Democrat. Still, it’s just a whole lot of run-of-the-mill here. Truly, we expected six-foot by eight-foot digital yard signs that played a “Vote for me or you’re FIRED!” MP3 while his wife-of-the-month jiggled around in a bikini made of thousand dollar bills, blowing kisses to passers-by. Another case of Jetson’s flying car denied, we suppose. Still, how can we hold that against the man who made Nixon’s peace greeting cool again!
So we had to at least try to do something here. The point of these exercises is not to create the perfect campaign design, but to at least create something better than what the candidates relatives have created for them. And while we’re quite proud of many of these designs, we really think we hit upon the single most important design of the 2016 presidential race. A design so bold that it will galvanize millions of people to Trump’s camp upon viewing! A design so honest that no-one could ever read anything into it that wasn’t there! Ladies and gentles, we give you, for your entertainment pleasure, the be-all and end-all of the 2016 presidential race:
No color because there is nothing but black and white in Trump’s mind; no gray areas at all. Trajan for his name because only the most annoying, overused, pretentious, sick-of-the-fucking-sight-of-it Hollywood typeface in the world could hope to encompass what it is to be Trump. And the slogan that will win this election hands down, “I’m rich. Fuck you.”
Seriously, every political talking head, reporter, journalist and blogger has said as much about his campaign, yet in far less direct terms. Trump’s wealth is the reason he’s on the stage and it’s the reason he gets away with being the callous pig he is. The small-minded, small-town yokels like those at his recent Alabama dirt track hoe-down love his “speaks his mind” attitude! NBC interviewed a half dozen of them and every single one gave that as the reason they liked him; loved him, even! When asked about his platform and policies, none could muster anything beyond, “Well, I dunno much about that, but I do plan to read up on it!” Yeah, just as soon as you get them new-fangled electricical light hooked up, right?
A slogan like this would drive his current gaggle of fans into a batshit frenzy, straight to the to the polling booth! Millions more would sign up to vote for the first time ever just because they finally found someone who speaks their language! I’m telling you; this is the winner, right here!
Donald, fuck your campaign manager. I want to negotiate this one with you personally. And bring the big wallet!