We Fix Your Brand: 06 Rick Perry

Sep 8, 2015 by

It’s a beautiful day in the park, folks, and the Perry Lone Stars are ready to play some baseball!

Hey, pennant starts with P too

Pennant starts with P too!

You know, even for a baseball team this is a crappy logo. This is what happens when politicians cut arts programs from schools. You end up with a logo your neighbor’s cousin based off of a fast food chain.

Whaddya mean "out" of onion rings?

Whaddya mean “out” of onion rings?

You did this to yourself, Rick, and we should let you steep in this steaming pile of “Oh, Hell no!” but we are honor bound to a promise we made to improve every candidate brand, regardless of our personal feelings.

Easy stuff first, the ringed text is far too uneven. You see this a lot when people with no graphics skills ask you to design logos. “At the top make it say “Ed’s,” then on the bottom  it should read, “The Place To Go When You Want A Family Dinner For A Low Price But Still Want To Have A Nice Cocktail At The Bar With Your Wife Before Your Meal Is Served By One Of Our Friendly Wait-staff!” ” To put it graphically:

S      P      A      C      I      N      G

See what we did there? Aside from the horrible kerning, Perry is set in a larger font than President. Amateurs do this to make up the space difference. The correct fix is to move the break characters, in this case the stars, up or down to balance the text. It’s not hard, just complicated.

And speaking of those stars: Why? You come from the Lone Star State. The Media refer to you as the Lone Star Candidate. You have three stars here! Three is more than lone! Looks like you cut math programs as well. Drop the ring stars and just use bullets. They still have those in Texas, right?

Hey, pennant starts with P too

Because we never get tired of seeing a trainwreck

However, the true horror here is that conglomeration of suck dead center. At first glance we thought. “Whoah! Reddened, sore, flaccid cock spewing a silvery star-load right at us!” And we were sober! Rick, people feel dirty after seeing this. I’ve gone through a whole pack of Wet Ones just writing this post! The top graphic designers in the country can’t fathom what’s going on with that ugly P at the center of this mess and neither could I until I had a few shots in me. You were trying to be clever!

Pull daddy's handle…

Pull daddy’s handle…

You were going for an old-school, lever-action voting booth motif! It’s so obvious to everyone over the age of 60 who have actually used these antiquated torture chambers to exercise their right to vote! Trouble is, a lot of those folks are dead, Rick. And even if the dead vote in record numbers in Texas, they don’t see the ads! It might have been more apparent had you not covered it up with that slimy star! There are at least a hundred different ways to make this design work and you didn’t come close to a single one. Fortunately, we’re here to pick up your slack!

Say, I don't feel dirty after viewing this!

Say, I don’t feel dirty after viewing this!

We didn’t spend too much time on the ringed text because there was so much work to do elsewhere. It could be better, but at least this gives you the idea. We added “For” because “Perry President” puts a pregnant pause into the mix and is just awkward. Inside the ring however, is a big, bold P for Perry! You can tell it’s an initial because it has a star-shaped period right there. And look… the star is swishing! We realize you wouldn’t accept anything without a little swish to it and luckily your letter P comes with the swish built right in! But we didn’t stop there…

We told you it was an abbreviation. See? Rick P.

We told you it was an abbreviation. See? Rick P.

But wait, there’s more! This is just for the low-thought crowd. We followed through on the whole alliteration thing you were aiming at in the ring and came up with a few humdingers for you…

Perry 11 Passion

Perry 12 Poise

Perry 14 Proven

Perry 15 President

Now don’t those look purdier than a little red pup under a speckled wagon? We do have a caveat, though: when combing our thesaurus for words starting with P, we noticed that pejoratives outnumber the positives, so don’t be surprised when they eventually surface. And some of them are mean!

We anxiously await your campaign manager’s visit. Bring some of that good barbecue! The Kansas City kind, not that bland Dallas stuff!
-M Styborski

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